My Secret Garden

The other day, someone asked me how many children I have, and I answered "seven".  Seven beautiful people that are my children by marriage, birth and adoption.  I had to have a private chuckle with God because only He and I know that the early years of my adult life were spent under the mantle of infertility.  It's such a terrible word to put on a woman.  Everything about our female nature is made to be lush, fertile, productive, life-giving.  But my early years were BARREN.

I was in a barren marriage, spiritually, emotionally and physically.  Doctors told me that due to a variety of circumstances both mine and my first husband's, I would never be a mother.  But there is a funny little thing about me...one of my most annoying personality traits is my tenacity.  And so in this instance, I wouldn't give up.  I spent the next three years of my life doing mostly two things.  Spending hours and hours and thousands of dollars in this place:

And growing my secret backyard garden.

I planted and watered and planted and watered, because my soul just had to find a way to GROW SOMETHING.  I knew God had abandoned me.  I was sure He did not love me, because every month I would sit in the public hospital clinic, waiting for my "procedure", surrounded by unhappy, unwed, unfunded miserably pregnant women.

As time went on, my hope faded.  My body started to give out.  I could not endure the endless assault of needles and invasion and stirrups (shudder).  And then, at the very end of my strength, the very month I knew I would quit, the most extraordinary thing happened.

NOT BARREN. 

At the time, I thought this was God's reward for ME.  I knew it was a miracle, but I thought is was just my miracle.  I did not know it was a miracle of a much bigger kind. 

What I now know, 18 years later, is that God was waiting for the perfect time.  For the perfect set of genetic circumstances to bring forth the exact, specific person that He intended.  Because it turns out, that person is and always has been HIS.  Completely.  From the time she was a tiny girl, she has loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him. 

She has more faith, vision, compassion and mercy than most people on this planet.  Already God has taken her to places I could not have imagined, to do things for Him I could have never seen.  And now as her life unfolds before me, I have no doubt that He will use her to change history. 

And so I try to remember those years now, because if they taught me one thing, it is that GOD ALWAYS HAS A PLAN.  Yes, I know it is a cliche.  And when you are in the barren desert, it's the last thing you want to hear.  But it is true.  No matter how bad things seem, GOD ALWAYS HAS A PLAN.  Without that season of barrenness, I would not now have my amazing, Godly husband Jerry, and those seven incredible people I am blessed to call my children.

I am reminded of the words of a great leader.  "Never, ever, ever, ever give up".  So, I won't give up Lord.  I won't quit serving you.  I won't quit trying.  I won't be defeated.  I will keep marching forward, no matter what obstacles come my way.  Because my ways are not Your ways, and my plans are not Your plans.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".  Jeremiah 29:11